We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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