dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
