Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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