i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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