I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
