All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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