He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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