Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
