im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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