omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
