i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
