sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
