You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
