I want to have your abortion
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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