Operation Purity has been aborted
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
