pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
