What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
