She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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