It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
