I showed him my bush... on skype.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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