I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
