mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
