I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
