you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
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We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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