I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
