Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
