Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
