we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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