Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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