Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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