my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
