My sheets look like a crime scene.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
