No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
