i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
