If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
