Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
