So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
