i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
