I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
