The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
