Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
