Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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