I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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