dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
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i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
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You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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