if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
