I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just tell him i said nine months
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
