Im at strip club and am horny
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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