So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
