Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
