im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
They took my balls.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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