I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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