I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
