My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
