4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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