sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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