woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
