saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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