Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
