I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
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He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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