I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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